Danse Macabre III: Christmas Carols from the DSM-V of the American Psychiatric Association

Friday, December 8, 2006

Christmas Carols from the DSM-V of the American Psychiatric Association

* Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

* Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are

* Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

* Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

* Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and...

* Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me

* Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

* Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

* Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the Froggy! I have a gig tonight, can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?

* Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells

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A Visit From J.S. Bach 'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the city The critics were trying their best to be witty; They printed their lists of the past year's best fare, In hopes that their trendy young readers would care; But the readers were nestled all snug in their beds, While vacuous pop idols danced in their heads; And the Maestro in PJs, and I in my drawers, Had just settled in to examine some scores, When out on the lawn, such cacaphonous sound, I sprang from my desk thinking Zorn was in town. I rushed to the window, allegro con brio, Tore open the shutters — I just had to see! Oh, The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below, When, what should my wondering eyes linger over, But an old harpsichord and eight ghostly composers, With an old kappelmeister conducting the flock – I knew in a moment it had to be Bach. More rapid than Valkyries, onward they came, And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name; "Now, Mozart! now, Lassus! now, Schoenberg and Dvorak! On, Cage! on Beethoven! on, Haydn and Bartok! To the dominant seven! To suspended six-four! Now dash away! dash away! appoggiatur'!" As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly, When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky; So off to a new key they all modulated, For Bach would leave no variation unstated. A caseura, and then on the roof could be heard A cadence resolved with a picardy third. As I drew in my head, and was turning around, Down the chimney old J.S. Bach came with a bound. He was dressed up for Weimar in 1710 And his fingers were stained with the ink from his pen; An un-finished score could be seen to protrude From his pocket — the title said "Die Kunst der Fugue." His eyes—how they twinkled with genius – none finer! He did, after all, write the Mass in B Minor. His mouth was a droll as a tonicization, His wig was a white as unspoiled glaciation; He carried a record of naughty and niceness – That list was as long as the Bach Werke Verzeichnis! His belly looked like it could use a supporter And shook when he laughed, like a Schwarzwalder Kirschtorte. He was chubby and plump, a well tempered old master, And I laughed when I saw him, then wished I'd thought faster; A wink, and a line from a two-part invention, Soon showed me that I should feel no apprehension; He spoke not a word, but went straight to composing, A Musical Offering – it looked quite imposing, Then humming some bars from the St. Matthew Passion, He rose up the chimney in a glorious fashion; He sprang to the keys, raised his hands to the sky And away they all flew, at Allegro Assai, But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight, "Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night."

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